It’s Not You: Healing Self-Blame and Reconnecting With Yourself
What If You’re Not the Problem, But Simply Disconnected from Yourself?
How often do you find yourself replaying a situation, thinking: “If only I’d done it differently, maybe it wouldn’t have gone badly”?
That quiet voice of self-blame is powerful. It convinces you to take responsibility for other people’s behaviour, to second-guess your instincts, to wonder if you’re always the problem.
But what if you’re not?
What if this constant self-doubt isn’t who you are, but something you learned?
What if the problem was never you, but the disconnection from yourself that began long ago?
This is the question at the heart of groundedness: being able to stand in your own truth, even when others don’t approve, even when life feels messy.
Press enter or click to view image in full size
What Does It Mean to Be Grounded?
Being grounded doesn’t mean being calm all the time. It means being rooted in your own centre.
You know what you feel.
You trust what you need.
You can make decisions from your values rather than fear.
You’re not knocked off course by other people’s moods or opinions.
Think of a tree: storms will come, winds will blow, but when the roots are deep, the tree bends without breaking.
Signs You Might Be Disconnected from Yourself
Disconnection often shows up in ways that look small on the surface but feel heavy inside:
Saying “yes” when every part of you wants to say “no.”
Blaming yourself for other people’s behaviour.
Replaying conversations, convinced you caused the problem
Looking to others for reassurance before making choices.
Feeling so caught in your head that you lose touch with your body.
On the outside, you might seem fine. Inside, you may feel adrift, unsure of who you are without someone else’s approval.
Why This Happens
For many people, self-blame and disconnection are rooted in childhood.
If you had to keep the peace in your family, you may have learned to silence your own needs.
If love or acceptance felt conditional, you may have become an expert at reading others instead of yourself.
If your feelings were dismissed or minimised, you may have learned to doubt your own perception of reality.
If you felt unseen or disconnected from your parents, you may have carried the belief: “There’s something wrong with me.”
These were survival strategies. They helped you stay safe. But as an adult, they keep you cut off from your own ground.
Discovering Who You Were Taught to Be
One way to understand your disconnection is to reflect on the conditions of worth you grew up with — the unspoken rules about what made you acceptable.
Ask yourself:
What did I have to do to be valued?
What parts of me felt “too much” or “not enough”?
When did I feel most invisible?
Perhaps you were praised for being “the good one,” “the achiever,” or “the helper,” while your deeper emotions were overlooked. Over time, you may have disconnected from your authentic self in order to be accepted.
Recognising this isn’t about blame, it’s about clarity. When you see who you were taught to be, you can begin to rediscover who you really are.
The Cost of Disconnection
Living without a solid sense of self often leads to:
Poor choices. Decisions made from fear, guilt, or other people’s expectations instead of your own truth.
Unfulfillment. Life can look “good on paper” but feel strangely empty.
Loneliness. True closeness with others is difficult when you’re not showing up as your real self.
Isolation. The more you silence your feelings, the further away you feel from others.
Taking on blame that isn’t yours. You may find yourself apologising for other people’s moods, behaviour, or mistakes. When you’re disconnected from yourself, it’s easy to believe “If I’d done it differently, they wouldn’t have reacted that way” — even when their reaction had nothing to do with you.
It’s not that you’re broken. It’s that without grounding, there’s no stable foundation to build a fulfilling life.
Practical Steps to Begin Reconnecting
Groundedness isn’t a personality trait. It’s something you relearn, slowly and compassionately. Small practices can help you start the journey:
Notice your body. Place your feet on the floor and take a slow breath. If being in your body feels unfamiliar, that’s okay — you’re learning to come home to yourself.
Ask what’s yours. When anxiety or guilt rises, pause: “Is this really mine, or am I carrying someone else’s mood?”
Practise small boundaries. Try saying no to little things — it builds the muscle of self-trust.
Return to your values. Ask: “What matters to me?” Aligning with your values, even in small choices, helps you feel steadier.
These are starting points, not a complete solution. Reconnecting takes time, and often support.
How Therapy Can Help
If disconnection has been with you for years, it can feel daunting to try to “fix” it alone. Therapy offers a safe space to
Explore where your self-blame began.
Understand why you learned to silence yourself.
Practise expressing your feelings without judgement.
Rebuild the confidence to trust your own inner compass.
Discover where these patterns started and how they shaped who you thought you had to be.
Reconnect with the parts of yourself that were lost or ignored, and learn to respond to life from those more authentic places.
Begin to notice when you’re reacting from old conditioning, and practise choosing responses that come from authenticity instead.
Grounding isn’t just about techniques. It’s also about healing the reasons you disconnected in the first place, and welcoming back the parts of you that were left behind. Having someone alongside you can make that process possible — and gentler.
If you always think it’s you, let this be a reminder: it isn’t.
Self-blame is not who you are, it’s something you learned.
Reconnecting won’t happen overnight. It’s a slow turning toward yourself, moment by moment, boundary by boundary, breath by breath. Some days it will feel easier, others harder. Both are part of the journey.
The important thing is: groundedness isn’t lost forever. You can return to yourself. And when you do, you’ll find a steadier, kinder ground beneath your feet than you ever realised was possible.